Communication at this time is vital. However, it’s impossible for two people to connect when one is trying to communicate feelings and the other is determined to find practical solutions and “make everything all right.” Many men grapple with the traditional masculine role, feeling they have to “fix” things. But feelings cannot be fixed. Listen carefully to your spouse/partner when they describe their feelings. Try as well as you can to understand them. Most importantly, validate their feelings; let them know it’s alright to feel the way they do. Sometimes that is the greatest gift you can give.

You may also feel guilt over your own fears that your needs may not be met. These feelings are normal. You might find it helpful to keep a journal or discuss these feelings with another person, such as a friend, or a counselor. Whatever you do, make sure you communicate with your spouse/partner.

Communication isn’t only about talking. Listen to your spouse/partner. Give them the chance to articulate what they are going through. Allow them some personal space, so that they can come to terms with what they are feeling, and allow them to tell you what they know. Listen, too, to their fears. Give them permission to share these fears with you. They need to express them. They also need to know that you’ve heard what they are saying and that you can accept it. What they most want to hear is that you’re in this together. To say that -- and really mean it -- will go a long way toward helping your spouse/partner through the physical and emotional trials. They need to know that you are going to be there through it all, and that means emotionally just as much as physically. One of the most important things to keep in mind through this entire process is that there is no timeline with emotional recovery. Sometimes people think a cancer patient's fears and concerns about their cancer should be over, when they may not be. Try to be especially sensitive and let them cope at their own pace – listen to their personal needs and desires. Listening skills don’t come as easily to some as they do to others. You may want help.

If you and your partner are married, you are probably recalling the commitment to remain together “in sickness and in health.” Now is the time when you are called upon to live up to that vow. It is a daunting challenge. But you don’t have to feel helpless. You are not helpless; there are many ways you can help. You can learn to listen well, validate his feelings, keep the lines of communication open, and search for the practical solutions that will make a real difference. One of the biggest fears your spouse/partner may have right now is the fear of death. It’s important for you both to remember that cancer is not an automatic death sentence. More people are living with cancer today than ever before. It is vital to have hope. Find out the facts about cancer survival and give your spouse/partner hope.

Relationships Change

When one spouse/partner becomes ill, a couple’s normal pattern of relating is altered. Your spouse/partner will likely give signals to indicate if he wants to talk about his cancer and your future together, how much he wants to talk, and when he wants to talk. These issues are very personal and depend on the individual. You can make yourself available, but the timing will be up to him. Open communication between the two of you will help to counteract some of the misunderstandings, hurt, and resentment that can arise during this stressful time.